EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
You Might Also Like
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out