“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I’m sure it’s fine.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.