Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
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What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Why am I like this?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.