“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
You Might Also Like
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12