“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
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I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.