Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.