My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
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My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!