I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
You Might Also Like
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.