Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Pringles
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.