I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Every. Damn. Time.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I hope this email punches you square in the face
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*