*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*limbos away from your hug*
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.