My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.