Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips