IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be