Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
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“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.