*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
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The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
They grow up so quick
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.