if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I don’t make the rules sorry
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.