There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
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People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Kids, do not try this at home!
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*