Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.