Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
You Might Also Like
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
the Monday after daylight savings
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots