Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Good morning y’all ☀️
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started