I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
The little toadstool has spoken.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
This is my favorite one of these!
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple