In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’m not stressed
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.