Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…