My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
That lamp looks PISSED.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
😂 amazing answer
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.