Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.