I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
translated into Canadian
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex