passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
crazy
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.