I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
#StillHurts
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this