do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
😂😂
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla