Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
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this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot