I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
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Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.