Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
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Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*