Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
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Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.