Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Oh. My. God.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]