I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
You Might Also Like
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.