[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
me after drinking all the wine:
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?