A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
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Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees