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I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.