what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.