my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?