How I’d get arrested…
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[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!