Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.