They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
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I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]