(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Erm…
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
🙂🙃🥹
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Moms. The original autocorrect.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.