*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
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[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Guantanamo Bae
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”