I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
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I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”