Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison