i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
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given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
the Monday after daylight savings
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
It’s the weekend y’all
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.