me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
bought wrong eggs
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away